venezia!

joke of the day:

it was michaelangelo in the canal with the licorice rope

today we sadly left paris. we came to venice 10 years ago and mom and i were excited to make the return visit today! the parisian airport once again allowed me to cheat the law and somehow go through to my flight like i was heading from nashville to dallas. i don't think i even showed anyone my passport? obviously they know me or i'm going to be locked up abroad. another fab feature of the airport was that paul (my favorite parisian bakery) came through in the end. i had been searching for my tarte du sucre the whole trip and finally got one! delish just as i remembered.

the alps 

so began our journey to the big boot! we were seated in luxurious row 33... of 35. but we made the best of it. everything was great until a family of 3 sat in front of us. the father was either just rescued from a concentration camp, or is dying of some horrible disease--literally smallest man i've ever seen. their 3 year old son was in fine physical health--his mental state is uncertain at this time. this kid literally YELLED things while tapping on the window. and it was so much worse because he would just yell the same phrase repeatedly "we're on a plane look at the sky" in high pitched little kid french. then he discovered the little part on your seatbelt you lift to unbuckle... it makes a clacking noise if you don't unbuckle, he flicked it for a good 10-15 minutes until i smashed the back of his chair so hard he'll probably have learning delays and i probably broke a wrist. all was forgiven once i looked to my right. the view was incredible! i've never seen mountains like the ones i saw today. HUGE peaks deep valleys with bright blue lakes in the middle. it was gorgeous and i managed to forget the little terror in front of me until it was time to deplane at which point i gave him a look even a 3 year old can understand.

we landed in venice and yet again i have some how entered a country with no notable consequences/customs/immigration/passport check. i'm sure someone simply called ahead to inform all of europe that im too cool for school...or customs. our walk to the water taxi was "5 minutes" the italians obviously count by 1/100 of a second because it was a good 10 minute hike. please picture me with a back pack on, small rolling bag in the crook of my arm, and a luggage cart with three ENORMOUS and one large suitcases on it being pushed in front of me. now picture me crossing a street that has a small hole the size of a luggage cart wheel. a third and final vision is all of that luggage flying forward into the street and me slamming into the cart which is stuck in the road. if you're not laughing please never read my blog again because after a small outburst of profanity i had to giggle at my own expense. once we finally arrived at the dock 17 miles later a lovely italian man escorted us to a boat.

"trapped like rats" takes on a new meaning

our taxi driver was on drugs. this man was on some sort of drug that made him want to behave in a reckless manner & endanger the lives of those in his care. i've been on a lot of boats in my life, some large, some small, some slow, some fast. this boat was of average size with a little cabin protected by sliding glass doors that were left open. (google venice water taxi photo) this crazed lunatic of a driver went faster than i think was legal and than i know was safe. he went so fast in fact that we passed every boat on the water. EVERY SINGLE BOAT ON WHAT WOULD BE THE EQUIVALENT OF A WATER INTERSTATE. i was torn between tears and vomit, so i chose neither and was content to watch the doors rattle with every wake he slammed us over and i waited for them to shatter on me. those stuffed rats would have been the last thing i saw before being blinded by shards of glass.  we also had a near death experience when he cut in front of a rapidly moving yacht, it was all i could do not to scream. once we were in the no wake waterways seeking our hotel i thought i was safe. HE HIT A WALL. literally a city that will eventually sink, he accelerated the process by chipping away at one of the buildings.

venetian masks...featuring satan

we got to our lovely accommodations "palace bonvecchiati." and were thrilled. its very modern and cool,  our key is simply a white plastic thing nothing on either side, just white. and the lights come on when we walk in the room! we did some walking around tonight before dinner but we were tired from flying. venice is famous for its masks and glass. tomorrow we're going to the island of murano where they make the glass so that will be cool. we went to st. mark's square which is close to our hotel. it is a pigeon haven. people PAY to feed them, they get them to land on them for photos and its revolting. dinner at our hotel was nice-we were on the canal which is cool. and we even saw a hooker at dinner. she had on a tiara and a fully sequin silver dress, with silver sequined shoes to match. this fine lady had even put little sequins on her face in three spots. class act. aside from her at dinner there were 42 asian people in a restaurant of about 60. i'm telling y'all if the want to take over the world the only shot we have is to dress as godzilla and scare them off.

three lovely drunk american boys just walked by screaming/singing 'stand by me' in the streets below. how i love spotting a fellow american or two. buona notte my friends. mom is fumbling around the room in her prescription sunglasses since she can't find her regular glasses so i've gotta go help ray charles before things get out of hand.